cloudour_eyes

I have to remember everything about today forever. today was one of the most amazing days i've ever had.

i cut school today, because samii bought shrooms. she came over around 12, and we ate them with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

about an hour later, the first thing i saw was this bag in my room start moving. it sunk down, and the carpet sort of swirled upwards. and i blinked and it was gone. and the same thing happened, and the carpet started to move, even though it wasn't.
i looked at this painting in my room that my mom did of my dad, and i could see every brush stroke wiggling like they were all alive.

matt came over, and i don't really remember how everything followed chronologically, but everything just became so vibrant. i was saying how everything was blue, and i kept seeing colors highlighting everything. it was like everything was rainbow, with many layers of color underneath what color it really was. we had been chilling there for about two hours.

then we all went in the living room and i remember walking to the window and looking at the tree outside, and saying "it's so green!" everything was so vibrant and colorful. everything was more pronounced and...i don't know. words don't even really describe it.

samii and i must've stared outside for about two to three hours all combined.
i remember looking at the grass and being able to see about every blade of grass, and it was all swirling, and waving and moving like the ocean, but it would blink and it would return to normal.

we smoked cigarettes like crazy, and giggled at everything, and talked about how happy we are, and how great life is, and how we're all connected to everything, and everything is alive and wonderful. by now, when i would stare at the carpet, i could see patterns in everything.

then, we tripped out to the tiles in my bath room. it looked like they were dripping down the walls.

after a while, trails from hands and the rippling affect of everything died away. and then we smoked some weed.

i'm moving tomorrow.
and, i still sort of feel it.

i've known you for so little.
please get out of my head.

I'm so alone.

I miss you, best friend.
Without you, it feels like I'm missing my right arm or something.

I think I've become kind of numb that you're gone, now.
I haven't talked to you in a week, and it's scaring me. you called me everyday, and now you don't. It hurts, how much I miss you. i don't know.

coca's new album is out.

go buy it.

it's amazing.

so...
i decided to un-delete this thing.

hooray!

school's good.

life's good.

i have three periods of art room fun. it's pretty dandy.

aaah...life.

I don't understand why I can't be alone for a few days.

I'm a loner, by nature. I don't like constantly being with people. And none of my friends give me a chance to not hang out. I'd rather read. It's pissing me off.

GIVE ME MY FREEDOM!

i hate her. as bratty, spoiled and selfish as that may sound...
i hate her. she ruined everything. once my dad died, she found herself incapable of dealing with life as an adult should: paying bills, taking care of her daughter, working at a job...etc. she just wallows in her own misery, and she brings me down with her. and for that do i hate who she's become. she's weak, and every time i think that, this disgusting monstrous rage fills up inside me and i fucking hate her with all my might.

i hate that i can't get new shoes, or even fucking curling mousse for my hair because she's too fucking depressed to leave the house. i hate that she shakes with her nervousness over everything. i hate her so much, it overwhelms me and i become nothing but my anger. sometimes, i really wish she would just allow herself to be the selfish arrogant witch she is, and off herself. she talks about it all the time. "if i didn't have the responsibility of a daughter..." she once said she never should've had me. she's absolutely right. she makes me miserable.

she's fucking evil.

i hate her, and she's my mother.

sva was a waste of my mom's money.

harry potter was absolutely amazing. i read the book as slow as i could: 3 days. it was more than i could ever have wanted. although the epilogue was so...eh. boring? for some reason, i could never see harry as a father, married to ginny with three kids. one named albus severus, the others james and lilly. for some reason, i could see him as headmaster of hogwarts, or a famous auror. but, whatever.

i saw the movie twice. once in imax. the movie was of course, supa great. i really cant wait for the sixth movie though, considering it was my favorite book out of all seven.

but, august 10th stardust comes out. and i'm looking forward to that. i love that book too.

i have nothing to say, really. and i wish i did. my life is kind of monotonous at the moment. ruben's being shipped off tomorrow. i want to see him today, even though we havent really talked since last summer.

although sva was a waste, and i hardly went because my painting teacher was the shittiest teacher i've ever met, i got a lot better. i like where i'm at. i've also discovered that as much as i love art as a hobby, i'm never going to major in it. i can't put in the time and energy that art needs. i prefer to use up all my energy writing. although i haven't written in months. i don't know. i can't. nothing good ever comes to mind. i never know what to write about.

this was long and kind of pointless.

sva is amazing. i love it.

although most of the people are all arrogant indie kids with a talent no better than mine. there's this one boy though that's very cute and very quiet. he's good, too.

today in drawing, we spent three hours drawing from a model. and my last 10 and 20 minute drawings were amazing. way better than i ever expected from myself. i am proud. and it's only the second day. i'm only going to get better.

=]

my train for sva leaves in two hours.

i'm extremely excited. and nervous. both.

apparently, all the kids there last year either had a septum or a nose ring. hahaha. i think it's funny.

i can't sleep. i'm anxious. i want time to move faster. i want to get there already.

i hope i'm good enough.

The term bittersweet always seems to fit, in almost any situation, any mood. Call it bittersweet, and that memory will change shape. Call sitting under the waiting booth at the train station white it pours bittersweet instead of infinity, and it changes everything.

I think it's really kind of depressing that I can't sit at home anymore. I can't just be on the computer anymore. I need to be constantly up and going and moving and seeing people. I can't be quiet, I can't sit, I can't readreadread all day anymore. It's making me sad that I'm this bored in my own home. Where I can do anything I practically want.

I want to watch a movie, but they've all been packed save for a few that I've seen so many times, I can recite every word by heart.

I have my period, it sucks. I also really really want to have sex.

And, I need to get out. Meet new people. I need someone, or something. I need to find it or them. I'm searching.

This post was so stupid.

I finished watching eternal sunshine for the spotless mind after not watching it for about a year.

and i wonder, why can't real-life love be so simple? why is always so complicated? why are we always so afraid? of rejection? because it hurts to be rejected.

and, i'm sick of being fucking normal. and watching what i say. i think i may just talk from now on and damn the fucking consequences. if things don't work out. then fuck it. whatever. i'll move on.

If this world really is just a buffer, a great eroder in the humongous scheme of things. If all we count as life is really just a way to grind us down to enlightenment...than I wonder if I should kill myself.
If I should chew a cherry flavored cyanide pill and wind up somewhere else where everything that feels good isn't a sin. I wonder if I'd be brought back to Earth a second time.

I want to write down yesterday.

I hung out with two girls I never see. Nicole, I should really see more often. She's the sweetest girl I've ever met.

We went to number four school. My pre-school and we talked about the sand room and other such things. We climbed the jungle gyms and I remember thinking that everything looked so much bigger back then. I was so small...I was scared of climbing up to the top to go down one of the slides. That just reminded me of Grant park. And the silver slide. It was huge back then. And on hot summer days, the slide would burn my legs as I flew down. The back of my thighs would turn pink.

And we smoked at number four school. My pre-school. For innocents and children. For kids who were just learning their ABC's. And it made me sad that a kindergarten is an actual spot. It made me sad to look at the bars on the windows. It made me sad to see someplace that once seemed so pure...to now see it for what it really is. A dirty brick building on a highway.

After that, we went to number two school. And we sat by the slides, smoking again. I got really stoned. It was dark, and we were all sitting there. Big kids on this little kid playground. The cars hurtled past down below, the sky looked blue-black. We listened to Blink-182. I didn't talk much. Just sat and thought. Thought how beautiful it really was. I enjoyed it so much. I almost felt infinite.

I always prefer just talking and laughing with people I know. A few kids I love, even if I don't see them often. I prefer quiet to loud parties with thumping music and so much alcohol you feel like you're swimming. I always have. I've always rather been by myself or with another than to a group of ten or twenty.

Really, I think I'm a loner at heart.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I just wanted to write it all down.

I think I'm going to put some pretty cool henna on my hands.

Today, while walking home, I saw a small brown bird crushed on the pavement. It was lying on it's side, the wing's feathers dirty and spread in weird directions, the head fattened like a pancake. The bird's only visible eye was black and clear, staring ahead at nothing. And this made me think that if a human had been lying on the sidewalk, it's body mangled and it's eyes lifeless...someone would've screamed, called an ambulance, the police. It would've been on the evening news. A normal suburban family eating dinner together would sit in silent awe at the atrocity before them. Everyone would wonder how this person was killed, who their family was. Once the body was identified, the family would appear on the even news, crying into the camera. Memorial services would be held at schools, parks, the cemetery. And all those suburban families surrounding the dinner table would pretend to be touched and to care.

But then I thought of that bird, who probably had little birdie friends and had enjoyed chirping and bathing in puddles and playing in streets as SUV's and minivans hurtled past...No one would care. No one would even bother to move the bird off the tan, sun-baked sidewalk. A stray cat would most likely carry it off with it's small, deflated body and feed it to her kittens that had only recently stopped nursing. No one would miss this little life extinguished so quickly.